What mindset shift or affirmation helps you to build confidence and go after what you want? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
At one point last year, I was really going through it. I felt like I was coming up short in every area: health, finances, parenting, relationships, household stuff, everything. I constantly thought about all the things I should’ve been doing, how I should have done something differently, or how I shouldn’t have done it at all.
Then, one day, a relative gave me a much-needed verbal slap. “Girl, why are you always focusing on what you ‘should’ be doing instead of what you are doing?” she asked.
I realized I was “shoulding” myself right into stress, anxiety and burnout.
That’s not to say that should is always bad. “This is the way so many of us have learned to navigate the world and to take care of ourselves and to regulate ourselves,” says Brandi Pritchett-Johnson (Dr. Brandi), a licensed psychologist and founder of The Diane Morgan Group based in Detroit, Michigan. For example: “I should avoid that area at night” or “I shouldn’t go off on my boss.”
So should serves a purpose. It’s also constantly pushed on us. We get it from family, society, work, politics and ourselves, says Dr. Brandi.
But when should starts coloring every thought or conversation, it’s no longer being protective. It’s punishing. And as I found, it wears you down.
The Downside of ‘Should’
According to the Oxford Learner’s Dictionary, “should” is “used to show what is right, appropriate, etc., especially when criticizing somebody’s actions.”
See the red flags?
When should becomes your default mindset, it messes with your head. Dr. Brandi says, should restricts creativity, makes it harder to grow and creates pressure that leads to self-doubt. “It can create so much limitation, telling ourselves not just what we should do, but also what we shouldn’t do,” she says.
All of that inner criticism builds up over time. “Then, before you know it, you’re stressed and depressed,” says Dr. Brandi.
We throw shoulds at other people, too. “What usually happens is we’re using the shoulds as a reprimand or redirection,” says Dr. Brandi. You know, “You should know how I feel” or “You should do [this or that].”
Shoulding on others hurts relationships. “It creates conflict. Then comes defensiveness. The casualty of all of this is disconnection,” says Dr. Brandi.
How to Break the ‘Should’ Habit
First, pause. “When you find yourself living and expressing should, either to yourself or people in your life, just notice it,” says Dr. Brandi. This helps you become more aware of when and how you use it.
Ask why. Why should you do it? Is it something you really want to do? Or something someone or society has said you’re supposed to do?
Don’t try to ‘should’ yourself into motivation. I used to think saying, “I should work out today” or “I should cut back on sweets” was a good way to push myself. Dr. Brandi says that’s common. “We’ve been conditioned culturally to use fear and reprimand in order to produce success or positive outcomes,” she explains.
It’s counterproductive. “The psyche has to feel empowered, capable, strong and free,” says Dr. Brandi. In other words, trying to intimidate or shame yourself into action doesn’t lead to real, lasting change.
Swap should with “could” or something else. “When you replace should with could, that is the language of possibility,” says Dr. Brandi. “From there, could can move to can and then will, which is the language of power.”
“Want to” is another good option. Take my old “I should work out” line. Now I say, “I could work out this morning,” “I want to work out because …” or “I will work out at noon.” Those changes make me feel empowered instead of obligated or chastised.
Use a soft start with others. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman say the first few minutes of a conflict discussion determine whether it will go well or poorly. They were talking about couples, but I’ve found this to be true for any relationship — friends, family, coworkers, whoever. “You should…” can come across as criticizing. So, I now take a softer approach, such as “It would mean a lot to me if you…” or “It might be helpful if…”
Since I’ve been doing these things, those feelings of being less-than or not doing enough have gone way down. I don’t feel as stressed or burdened by guilt. Do I still slip up and should myself sometimes? Yes, but that’s okay. “We can’t expect ourselves to have this epiphany and then immediately eliminate this language,” says Dr. Brandi. “It’s habitual and it’s going to come up.”
The difference is now I pause, check where it’s coming from and think about it from a different angle. This approach helps me focus less on what I should do and more on what I am doing and want to do.
What mindset shift or affirmation helps you to build confidence and go after what you want? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
